What makes a person cheat on his / her spouse?
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Based on a research...
Recently I read a similar article on this subject on hub pages itself. It reminded me of a research that I had done a few years ago, wherein, I had tried digging in to the root cause of adultery. To my recollection, I had anticipated similarity in answers, at least to some extent, from all those people I was going to interview, but I was amazed to see the diversity, in the reasons which fell on my intent ears, in a 15-day long process. I still remember hearing those conversations over and over on my Dictaphone. Before conducting this so-called research, I only knew one thing for sure -‘Adultery is a sin before man and God and should not be indulged in’.
However, after getting the results on my table, I noticed that my views had undergone slight transformation. I felt myself giving some amount of leverage to those people whom I had interviewed, knowing very well that, what they were involved in, was nothing less than a crime; a crime against the abundant love offered, and the blindfold trust reposed in them by their spouses. Despite knowing the seriousness of the crime, I asked only one question to myself. “What would I do if I were in their shoes?” Honestly, when I looked at myself in the mirror, I didn’t see a saint looking back at me. Hence, from that day onwards I stopped judging people; I stopped holding anyone in contempt of the social norms.
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Adultery is OK but no Divorce!
I would like to share those reasons (which changed my thought process) with all of you but before that… let me tell you that despite a stark dissimilarity in their answers, there was one similarity in all those case studies (interviewees); they were all having adulterous relationships and still trying hard to hold on to their spouses, in order to maintain the longevity (I cannot say ‘sanctity’ here) of the marriage. All of them had children and hence, were trying to cope with their situations for the sake of their kids. Let’s go over the excerpts of the conversations. In order to avoid making this article a long and boring one, I have only mentioned the replies, I got from each individual (question remaining the same). After you finish reading, enjoy the video, taken from ‘Kevin Kline’ starrer-- ‘I love you till Death’. This is my ‘personal favorite’ as far as cheating on spouse is concerned. Ok! Let’s start.
Kevin Kline in 'I love you to Death'
7 Reasons for relationships outside marriage.
1. “What am I supposed to do? I go back home only to see my wife drained out from the day’s work. The kids, household chores and that ….that new ‘weekly orphanage donation’ stuff…all that leaves no place for me. Whenever I try even touching her in the night, she almost starts moaning.”
2. “I got married because my parents wanted me to. I had to give my consent, as my dad was seriously ill and in the heat of that moment, I gave in to their wishes. I got married to a girl of their choice but soon I realized she was not ‘my type’. We have nothing in common. She hates almost everything which I enjoy doing. I didn’t want to divorce her. It was getting on my nerves so I found out a way……”
3. “His simplicity and child-like honesty seemed to be his best attributes, when I married him. Initially, I thought he was the best person for me but now he drives me nuts. He doesn’t want to change even a bit. A person is supposed to improve on his shortcomings but he doesn’t want to. He sucks life out of me. I found this ‘new friend’ and I love being with him. I feel so complete with him that I wish I had met him before....”
4. “I feel completely at peace when I’m with my ‘new friend’. For some time at least, I forget my wife who doesn’t know anything except nagging and shouting. We’ve been married for seven years and not even once have I got a chance to step into my house without hearing those unpleasant noises and screams coming from every corner of the house. But for my friend, I would have lost my mind.”
5. “I’m only a sex machine for my husband. He doesn’t have even a slightest clue of how to actually love a person. I tried being my best for more than ten years. Things got so bad between us that I found myself on the verge of giving up my life, but then I met this person….”
6. “How long was I supposed to wait for him? He seems to be embroiled in his work all the time and even at nights, he keeps talking about his work. If I try coaxing him into having sex with me, he pushes me away for the reason of being tired. He’s been doing this ever since we got our first child. I felt like walking out of his life but then the kids were there. Thanks to this person whom I met a month ago. I found everything……”
7. “My wife is a good woman. She takes care of the kids, my parents and the house, and I have no complaints against her that way. The only thing is that I don’t find myself mentally compatible with her. I feel a great vacuum in this aspect but I feel so intellectually rejuvenated when I am with my ‘friend’…..”
One thing more was common---Each one of them openly declared: “I have a right to be happy!”
This article does not project my views in any form, whatsoever. It’s only based on the opinions of a handful of people, who contributed to the completion of my research report, a few years ago.
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Wow, what an interesting hub, and very brave of you tobring up this topic!
I agree with what VioletSun said, but I would add this:
Divorce (at least in the U.S.) is so expensive it can be catastrophic. For instance, my divorce settlement was only a few hundred dollars more than my attorney fees, and I lost all real property--I only was left with (most of) my clothes, my car, and a PC that I put in my car when I left. So in the middle of my life I had to start all over with basically nothing. It was still worth it! But obviously, it would have been easier if the cost was not so enormous and punitive.
Because of this fact--this horrible price--some people try to come up with other 'solutions' before accepting that the marriage must end legally whatever the cost. Those solutions--like adultery--rarely work out for long.
Other people just aren't fit for marriage but want the legal benefits, so they marry and still fool around and feel entitled to do it. That's why it's good to really know a person well before marrying them. Great hub, thanks!
Anyone married with a pulse will enjoy this hub. It is tough to walk a straight line and when you are single there is no line to follow, but I enjoy seeing that line as on one side of it, I have a warm house with lots of love in it and on the other side, I see a complete mystery, with no guarantees of happiness or anything but plenty of freedom, and it may be a studio apartment with no furniture and only microwave dinners and beer in the frig with more lonely nights than a person should know. I know I can't judge anyone for the decision they make but for me, knowing I may bring a lifetime of unhappiness to those I love, keeps me in check.
VioletSun: I wish all the relationships result in binding two people in spiritual & emotional wholeness but in most cases, couples are not able to rise above their 'selfish interests' and 'over expectations' (from the spouse). Couples also have to learn to stop taking their loved ones 'for granted'. We need more people like you who can spread the message of 'real happiness'. Thx
Pgrundy: You're right. Some people are just not fit for marriage. However, I feel that no matter how much time you spend with the person you intend to marry, you still don't have the 'guarantee factor' attached to your 'wedding package'.Thx
Goldentoad: Your conscience is the only factor which stops you from hurting your loved ones. You're right. Thx
nicely written article
Because when he was asked, what is the most important things in your life he would say, "surfing, video games and beer." But the day he stood up in front of all of his friends at a little gathering we were having and said, "You are the girl that all my friends wants to f**k."
Well...
Lgali: Thx very much
Sandra rinck: Well....I understand. You said it all. Thx for visiting.
Very good hub with some honest opinions on a dangerous subject. Sometimes things just happen and we do not know how or why. The human being strives for happiness and sometimes people lead a double life because they do not want to hurt their partner.
Princessa: 'Things just happen'..absolutely right! People still try hard not hurt their partners. Again true. Thx for visiting.
Anjalichug: Yes, I agree with your observations.
I wrote in Dayzeebees' comment section a few weeks ago, that Gloria Steinem, the feminist married at age 60, much to the shock of her friends and family. She said in interview in Oprah's magazine that her union with her husband was not based on "need", the seeking of fulfillment through each other, and it was the most beautiful relationship she has had because they enjoyed each other deeply. I was pleasantly surprised to read the same words we use around at home, as I have the same type of union with my mate, (my ex- relationship was emotionally abusive) and a couple who are friends of ours also have this type of relationship. It is happening with many folks who are more concious.
You article is again a good one, encourages all of us to stop and think.
Great Hub, my parents were polar opposites but still they adjusted to each other didn't have problems until my mom's death. Now he misses her every day even after a long time. It is a matter of adjusting to each other's needs and tastes. Now couples expect the same from the other, which is just not impossible. Instead of learning to appreciate the uniqueness, they rather demand something that is not there. They fall in love quickly and they fall out of quickly after marriage. If they can't adjust to each other, then they are better off from one another. Marriage is like two eyes, you need a husband and a wife to see clearly, if they are not helping one another, it is to move on. Sometimes people regret once they are gone, that is what happens when people decide quickly.
Anjali,a straightforward hub and so very true! Regarding the 7 reasons for relationship outside marriage the first reason is soo very selfish from my point of view.Its no joke bringing up kids,cooking and looking after a home,hence instead of helping out he has no business to shrink from his responsiblities..afterall its his kids,his home and cooking for his family.She'll have more time if he'll lend a helping hand!The other reasons are sort of reasonable,as in such situations people do tend to change.
But then,I totally agree with cgull8m.
cgull8m &Laila Rajaratnam :
Thx both of you for comments. It's really unfortunate to see what's happening to marriages these days. Adjustment is becoming tougher and couples consider it a better option to move on in case things don't work out. I'm not sure if it's good or bad, as indicating something like that is not the purpose of this particular hub. I, personally feel that it might be good for the individuals (in certain cases) but bad for the marriage as such.
How Long Will Your Love Last? It Depend On The Amount Of Vasopressin You Have. ( http://www.psypo.com/2008/09/how-long-will-your-lo )
Psypo: Thx for visiting. I read that 'Vasopressin' article (thru the link). It's surprising that things like fidelity can also be treated with drugs. I know..I know nothing has been established yet, but even an experiment in this field is truly amazing! I'm sure people visiting this hub would really stumble on something new.
Keep up the good work Anjali, you can only give good advice, if they don't listen it is their fault not yours. It is too bad the children get caught between them and suffer for their impatience.
cgull8m: Thx very much for your encouraging words. I'm only trying to do my bit and I hope the right message goes across.
You point No. 5 applies to 90% women in India.... No wonder India is the 2nd most populated country !
guidebaba: I'm happy someone is honestly accepting and admitting the state of affairs in .....Actually I'm not supposed to give my opinion here as this is a sort of discussion forum (for this hub in particular) so let it be open to all for expressing individual views. It's always good to have you here. Thx
very nice hub
Lgali: Thx very much.
anjalichugh Very interesting hub but I feel that infidelity is more complex than the reasons given by your interviewees. I think the more liberal lifestyles of today and the pervasive media coverage make it all seem ok.
Good hub
sixtyorso: True. This was only an excerpt of a long research which I could not have possibly covered here. I agree things are more complex in the present scenario. Thx for visiting.
Once again you tread where others fear to go. You are brave and so open with your beliefs - I have the deepest respect for you. It was incredibly courageous of you to share your judgement.
In our journey here, it is critical we do not try to deny those parts of us that we feel are negative. There is nothing outside of us - that means we are love and fear; acceptance and judgement.
Denying parts of ourselves only give more power to those parts.
Thanks again.
Namaste,
Fran
Fran: It's always a pleasure to see you around. Thx for appreciating my forthright attitude. I learnt it the hard way, though. LOL. Thx for visiting.
Thanks for sharing your experience with all of us. I have just discovered you on the Hubpages, and really enjoying your Hubs.
WELL DONE, THUMBS UP, YOU ARE BRAVE AND SPECIAL.
This subject is realy sensitive one. My basic opinion about that subject is:
I have right to possess and claim ownership on only one body: and that is mine one. Nobody is my property. I do not own anybody, nobody owns me. Being faithful in relationship is question of someone´s personal choice, which is based on love and wisdom, not on pressure (any type of it: religious,law, tradition...whatever). Pressure just denies free will and people start to feel like in prison.
If someone feels that relationship is like prison, must try to go out, on one way or another...
People need to communicate a lot, to improve all their relationships....
Tatjana-Mihaela : It's wonderful to have you here. When I wrote this content, I promised to myself that I would refrain from giving my personal opinion on this subject only for the reason that this particular hub is supposed to be open for views from everyone. It was supposed to be like a public forum. However, I feel I still owe one liner to you (LOL). You're right.... one should not feel like a prisoner in a relationship and if he / she does, it's time to change plans. Thx and keep in touch.
Anagelica In view of your response above I think a hub on fidelity in modern times might b an interesting topic?
sixtyorso: Your wish is my command! LOL
I'll certainly put something together. I feel flattered. Thx
Wow! your hub was wonderful. your telling the truth...just like me. Loved it....dont let my wife read it LOL!!
Jykeith Comal : Thx very much for liking it. This forum is open for both men and women. Equal rights. Can't stop anyone. LOL
In case of female cheating according to latest research, high levels of etrogen, the female hormone might be the cause of flirting, kissing and having a serious affair with someone other than their primary partner. I guess then high levels of testosterone in male should cause the same symptoms. When you are in relationship girlfriend or boyfriend some of you still explore for other opportunities. But when you are married then relationships are expected to be faithful because that is what you promised when you were getting married. If you believe in Polygamy, which in sociobiology, is used to mean any form of multiple mating. Voila both the partners can have multiple partners then. So that both of you have equal rights too.
To answer the title question - biology. Humans are wired for having several sex partners during their lives. :)
Mr. Nice: I think we are talking about hormonal imbalance here. Right? That is the answer which medical science has but it becomes somewhat difficult to accept in real life relationships. Thx for visiting.
Misha: I guess so. That's the basic animal instinct we have and cannot be denied. Thx for reading.
Wow, a great hub once again.. I really like it that you are talking about bold subjects which are always silenced about or shunned about..It takes bravery to be different and talk about it kudos to you ..
Secondly, The reasons mentioned above donot even nearly capture the emotions and mental turbulence one goes through.. I seriously feel if they say they have a right to be happy it is upto them to bring the spark back in their love lives. Many couples are busy in two different worlds but if there is love they will stand the test of time and no breeze or affair will dether this bond. Having an affair may seem the right thing to do or rather easy then but it involves lives which are at stake.
From a happily married wife whose husband is not on the cheating side.. lol
Hi angalichugh, Estrogen, testosterone are hormones & my comment clearly says increased levels, which is a condition above normal limits & that is what imbalance means.Is this question about spousal cheating right ? Well if you are not aware of these hormones then here are the links to find out more.
Greatlife: Yep! Only love can stand the test of time. Nothing else is as powerful as love (although the fact is 'hate' can be equally strong, speaking of the negative side). These issues have become sort of tricky; the more you try to delve in it, the less you understand it. Quiet complicated. You might want to read a follow up hub (Is fidelity overrated?) which explains things further. Thx very much for visiting.
Mr. Nice: (LOL) I am aware of hormones but what I meant in my reply (to your comment) was that the hormonal theory has, no doubt, been explained by medical science to be a reason for having multiple partners but it goes without saying that such theories are still hard to assimilate for a person whose spouse is adulterous. I am sorry if I could not clarify myself earlier. Your comments are always welcome. Thx for coming back.
I dont want to show favoritism, but I enjoy your work. I also in joy you comments and look forward to more of your hubs. Relationships in away are very hard to maintain. As far as the bible go's I wish I was like Paul, so that I could do without that connection of being with someone. But we were never meant to be alone...so this is what you take a risk of dealing with. But I must say it is so frustrating. :(
Jykeith Comal: You bet, it can be life taking. Relationships are not easy to maintain. Nothing seems to be good enough. It's like holding sand in your hand; the tighter you close your fist, the faster it slips out of your hands. We all keep trying to make it work. Believe me it is hard for both.
hmmm, I guess, your a woman thou...u have it easy LOL
LOL I have better pics but there on a myspace accnt. I look at my pic and think "oh my god what a thug" LOLOLOL
Hi Angli:0)
Great hub and i loved the reserch and Kevin kline video 2 thumbs up...I think Violetsons first comment echoed many peoples thoughts...I do not have much to add to so many good comments....only I love your hubs and delighted you are on here:0)
May God continue to bless your worth while efforts.......Mike ;0)
mikeq107: Where had you guys been? I was thinking of requesting a hub from you. It's been a long time. Thank you very much for your kind comments and keep writing.
Hi Anjali :0)
Well truth be told when we left Portland to move to Bend in central Oregon we had a whole new path to travel...Cynthia had been unemployed for about 5 months and also had come down with a really bad case of graves’ disease and along with the fact that we lost a baby due to a miscarriage (4 months )and that Cynthia had some cracked ribs also made for a rather interesting situation and then around August when I thought things could not get any worse LOL The market as we all know went south and so did our fast depleting finances :0)
In Times like these some couples grow apart but we grew closer together and our love grew deeper. Yes love as we know does not pay the rent, but a healthy foundation and trust in God and each other sure pulls you through.....Have not been this broke for a long time...not poor that's a state of mind and like a bad cancer...just broke and even that is just a temporary situation....We are rebuilding the business here in Bend and Cynthia`s health has vastly improved with the high mountain air and she is also employed and loves her new Job and also a friend of a friend Cynthia`s just moved to a town close by and I helped her unload and found that this person is a fellow writer and owns their own publishing company and that we all have lots in common etc is making for a very promising future or new beginning which ever way you look at it :0)
So Anjali as you can imagine it’s been a tough year but at the same time a great one and yes we sure had our moments ;( lol but its during those times that our roots went deeper…true love is an amazing wonder with a path that continually leads to unconditional surrender to each other and God..Think I said that right ;0)
So while we catch up on our bills these next few months our internet time will be brief until we can afford to install broad band etc and I know we are not the only people affected by the current encomic climate, but then again our income does not depend on man but comes from God and times like these are a wonderful reminder of that.
So that’s what’s been happening in our world,,, the short version :0)
Look forward to reading more of your hubs this year and getting to know you better, you have a wonderful talent and a great heart and a great purpose to fulfill !!!
Keep on keeping on :0)
Mike and Cynthia
Mike & Cynthia: I am overwhelmed by the love and confidence both of you have shown in me. I really feel bad for all that has been happening in your life lately but as you said, you will sail through it..hand in hand. That's all what matters. Everyone has testing times but if our loved ones are with us all thru, the journey becomes less tormenting. I am so glad to have you back. I know the internet problem persists but please try to write a few lines on and off. Thx very much.
Very interesting thoughts! I think many people cheat because they are too focused on finding the right person instead of becoming the right person. I think too many people see the faults in others without fully seeing their own. They are blinded by their own faults because they are used to them. I think one key to making a relationship work is focusing on the core of the person. Everyday if they have a good heart with good intentions then put your focus there instead of all the everyday challenges that can bring you down.
Great Hub I will rate this a BIG thumbs up! Join my fan club and let the world see your great insights!
Wishing you,Health, Wealth and Happiness!
Jim
Jim: You're absolutely right. People spend more time in finding 'happiness' outside as against making things better inside. Finding faults with others is much easier than changing ones own perception and we humans tend to take the simpler route always. Thanks very much for your generous comments. I feel flattered.
nice hub on the topic, i get the answer but
what is happiness? Is someone get happiness by just cheating his or her friend?
Janni321: I'm glad you actually made it to this hub. Speaking of 'happiness'...its just an illusion. If you run after it, it runs away from you. People have to have that higher degree of understanding to realize that finding a new lover would not solve any of their issues or make them happy for that matter. It will be just the same kind of experience wrapped in a diifferent package. Who knows the other person might turn out to be even more difficult to live with, when the magic wears off. All relationships need a lot of work and sacrifice. Abandoning one for the other is a huge mistake which one realizes after losing what he / she had. :) Thx very much for reading this hub. Feel free to come back.
It's so difficult to judge, isn't it? I've known people who have trotted out all those excuses and maybe each one was justified. And yet, does it really make life better? I've found acceptance and contentment with what one has is usually a good foundation for any relationship to stay positive - I did say 'usually' - people are so difficult to pigeon-hole!
Hi Shalini! It's a pleasure having you here. I pretty much said the same thing in my reply to Janni321's post (just above yours). As I said...it's just like chasing a mirage which does not exist. The key is to be content and satisfied (as you said) with what one has. We usually don't get what we like but its better to like what we get. :) Thx for visiting Shalini. Your presence itself is so warm and comforting.
Interesting thought provoking hub...and that is why we are here folks.
Love to love to disagree.
This is also cultural IMO.
Keep up the good work! Kudos!
Melanie
Hi Melanie! Thx for the encouragement and for stopping by. :)
People have to have that higher degree of understanding to realize that finding a new lover would not solve any of their issues or make them happy for that matter
this about sums up the argument.
most of the reasons given are those of people who are selfish and think only of themselves or are irresponsible.
no thought to why the wife moans with pain when tuched.did the guy ever try to massage her calves to make her feel better?
my parents made me marry her .you were spineless and irresponsible and SHE pays for it?
the new friend seems to complete me- Gosh the husband did too at one time.what is the assurance this one wont a bit later?
wife shouts all the time- oh yeahh without reason? and naturally the friend seems peaceful- she doesn't have to
put up with you 24/7
my hubby thinks i am a sex machine-and this new guy was attracted to your inner mind?at first sight?what say you to that he was also after the free nookie you seemed eager to offer. maybe being sympathetic was his method
hubby is a workaholic- yea maybe seems genuine.its a womans point of view i cannot comment on.
i feel intellectually stimulated by my new friend.- of course easy in a vacuum -try to be intellectually stimulating after a 12 hour workday and chek back.
essentially every on needs novelty and the ultimate escape of "being in love" no one understands that no one person can fulfill all of any one persons needs and hence no soul mate is possible. the person you are now in love with will be exactly the same or maybe be lacking in something else that may disappoint you then.but accepting this and working on a relationship is not easy. hence the "affair"
@ Neelesh: It seems like you wanted to kick them in the ass. LOL. Ok cool down please. This is life. Anything is possible here. The other man / woman is never an answer to a problem...I agree but people do try to take their chances. Probably its the stress levels these days that makes a person steal some moments of happiness before the disaster strikes. "Who knows whats going to happen tomorrow...lets live this moment." Thats how most people feel in the present world. Besides, I stopped being judgmental long time ago. :) Why people do what they do....no one can answer that. Thank you for being a valuable part of my hubs. :)
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VioletSun Level 5 Commenter 3 years ago
When couples get together to fulfill a need, be it financial, sexual, to make themselves feel worthy, out of fear of being alone, etc., most often we find ourselves unfilled because we are looking for fulfillment outside or ourselves. This is the constant seeking in others to be "happy." When two centered people join without "need," the relationship is one of spiritual and emotional wholeness; and should a need arise, such as health or financial issue, or whatever shows up in the journey of life, we spontaneously assist the other out of friendship and love.
Good hub!